“woke up, and wished that i was dead,” – The Weepies
well, not really.
But I did wake up somewhat disoriented. I woke up, perhaps still dreaming, and the first thing I realized was that you weren’t there. Thinking for a second I then realized that, no, you had left a while ago and I had stayed up to work and then gone to bed. This is besides the point. You are besides the point.
The point is the lyrics speak more and more to my day as it has gone on. That is not a good point. The point is I’ve started smoking and have no issues with that. The point is I’ve lost ambition and instead of trying to fix it, I’m wallowing and whining and wailing. Today, I even looked up the qualifications for becoming a masseuse. Tomorrow I think I’ll look up the qualifications for hairdressing.
And it’s not that I’m looking for pity or sympathy or someone to tell me it’s alright (but maybe subconsciously I am…) because, really, what does that do. Please, I don’t want pity.
More specifically, I don’t want pity from anyone here. And it’s great, because I know I won’t get it. People here are like the me of high school. If there’s a paper to write, an assignment to turn in, or a test to study for, you just do it sans complaints. It’s got to get done, so do it. Just so happens that I feel I’ve left this mindset back in high school, forgot to pack it with me to college.
Even more, I don’t want pity from myself.
Ironic because that’s basically what I’ve been doing for the past three days. I want to pull myself out of this little hellhole that I’ve created, turn myself back into a dorky little asian hermit girl who doesn’t do anything but study, eat and wear sweatpants. It was all much easier to do when I didn’t live at school with my peers and friends, when there existed a separation of home and school. Now that home is school, I think I’m confused.
Some part of me is in summer camp mode. It’s all play and very little work. Another part of me is in school mode. I know I should be doing work, I know I should study and write papers and participate in class. And then there’s the part that doesn’t care who happens to be getting stronger as time passes.
Test tomorrow? Eh, I’ll study for it later. Paper worth 25% of my grade due Friday that I haven’t started? Psh, it’s due Friday, please. Research project presentation next week for which I have not met with my group or done any research for? No good excuse for this one besides the fact that I don’t know if I give a shit. Party this Saturday when I should be working on papers? Check. Smoke? Yes. Bum around with you? Of course. And I keep on making excuses for why this sort of behavior is okay. It’s college, live a little. I’m allowed to make mistakes. It’ll be an experience. It’ll work out somehow.
School is still important. I’m (or at least was) good at school. But coming here, everyone is good at school, and my good is only mediocre. (As I type there’s a conversation going on, about this. It comforts me to know that I’m not alone in this sentiment. This place is just ridiculously intelligent). And if my work is only going to be mediocre, why work? I’m starting to understand you now, B1, when you felt this way in high school. What are you to do, when you’re good isn’t good enough?
I usually tell people to focus on what they’re good at instead. For me, it’s giving massages, (hence the masseuse qualifications) and, more recently, dressing well. But, really, how far is that going to get me in life?
It’s unhealthy, and it sounds like I’ve given up. But really, I don’t think I ever will. Being here in the USA and with people who are different has made me realize that being raised in an Asian family like mine means that to some extent, no matter what, I cannot let myself give up. It’s just not an option (to a degree, this is bad because then this reinforces the “it’ll work out somehow” excuse because I know I’ll finish it…just later). Even if it’s not successful, even if it’s a shoddy job, do it to completion. いっしょうけんめいやるわ!!
I’ll do it. It’s happening. My act is pulling itself together as you read this.
Sleep is only for the weak. Don’t sleep, and so much more gets done.