Monthly Archives: May 2013

Unhealthy Obsessions

I have them and I’m scared of them.

If you must know the most recent one is Benedict Cumbrebatch. Damn those sexy lips, deep voice, beautifully articulated cheekbones. Holy hell is that man sexy, and when he smiles–moving healthily on…

These obsessions have come and gone for a long while. Their stay is brief but penetrating and intense, filled with emotional and time investment. And when I unwillingly tire of them, when they leave, in their wake is an emptiness, a void that wants to be filled but is its own obstacle to the goal.

Obsessions give unhealthy expectations. Not only for the next resident obsession but for real life, real people. There is no such thing as a “bad boy with a heart of gold,” learned that the hard way. Life is not a book or a TV show.

Yet the fantasy continues.

In my fantasy world, everything is a storyline I’ve read or seen before, a character that’s been precreated, a world of stereotypes. And as I add characters and plot lines to this world of mine, I wonder if I can create something original, if there is such thing as an original. This turns into an obsession itself. I read, I watch, searching for an original character, something different to prove that we’re all not just repeating and rehashing each others work, that we can think independently.

But of course that’s not true.

There’s no way to think truly independently, to have a thought not molded or influenced by a single other thought existing in the world. Then why think at all if it appears the world is doing it for you?

It’s like the problem with voting. If you consider the masses then a singular vote doesn’t really count. But then if everybody started thinking like that, then nobody would vote. Similarly, if we all succumbed and accepted the absence of independent thought and stopped thinking, no one would think and we’d have no ideas instead of no original ideas. 

In a circle this thought process goes and in the end I end up obsessively thinking myself into numbness, into recycling old thoughts so much I already am no longer thinking. Is that what obsession is? Is this what drives sociopaths and stalker fangirls and otaku’s? Thinking about something so intensely that one forgets all else and loses the ability to create.

I fear for obsession, for my obsessions. Ambition, perhaps, dressed up in determination. I fear for the society’s obsessions. Sins dolled up as goods, as rewards. I fear for what we will forget in the process of chasing our dreams, mimicking our idols and fulfilling social obligations.

I think–I worry….I think–I’m afraid…I think–too much…I think–nothing, nothing but thought. I think, I think, I think, I think….


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& so the irony is..

& so the irony is...


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6 Ways To Embrace The Creative Writing Process | Thought Catalog

6 Ways To Embrace The Creative Writing Process | Thought Catalog.

words to remember and live by.

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5 Embarrassing Things Everyone Does In The Shower | Thought Catalog

5 Embarrassing Things Everyone Does In The Shower | Thought Catalog.

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What Happens When Real Lesbians Watch Lesbian Porn

Thought Catalog

Though it comes as no surprise to nearly every woman on the planet that porn is not geared towards us whatsoever, it’s always nice to know that not just straight porn is as off-putting as it is unrealistic. And whether it’s getting penetrated by a shoe, taking six fingers at once, or faking orgasms left and right — lesbian porn has it covered on the “let’s make sure that only straight men will ever enjoy or believe this” front.

Here, a few actual lesbians react to the circus that is the porn industry’s interpretation of their sexuality. [tc-mark]

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One week ago, I had the curious experience of returning to my high school and still being ‘caught’ for being out of dresscode. “I’m going to have to ask you to put a jacket on,” Azizah (the receptionist) says, words I never thought I’d hear again. Really since graduating from high school and moving into college, my dresscode abiding, and parentally guided clothing days were far behind me. With eight out of the twelve months in a year living on my own in Georgetown, I had begun to develop (at least I hope) my own sense of style and dress. But coming back to Asia, spending this summer with my parents has landed me back in the PG-13 world of ‘too-low-cut’ and ‘too-short’ and I honestly am not quite sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand, it’s my life and my way of dress. I don’t care what they say, if I feel comfortable in what I’m wearing then who’s to say otherwise. If I don’t feel like my shorts are too short or my shirt is too low then it should be okay, right?

On the other hand, just because I feel that way doesn’t stop other people from regarding me as, well, loose.

Am I dressing like a slut? Where is the line, literal or figurative, between a shirt being acceptably low and too low? Is the discrepancy between what other people (namely my parents though) see my clothing and what I see my clothing as enough to make me a slut?

This is where I really need someone else’s opinion, someone who sees me during those 8/12 months to tell me if I’m overstepping some sort of line between acceptable and slutty. I would hope as friends, I wouldn’t have to ask them and, I guess, they’d just tell me to keep me from embarrassing myself. At the same time however, what I where is not there business specifically, it’s not their responsibility to keep other people from thinking I’m a slut.

Every once in a while, this happens. This thing with my parents and the state of my clothing and every time I question how I dress. Questioning how I dress leads me then to question my moral character. Is my dress a reflection of them? Do I have loose morals? Can clothing be interpreted like this or am I over interpreting?

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to alter my clothing style just to please other people; that doesn’t seem right. Listening to authority and just so simply changing. Perhaps it’s where I am in my life now, it’s that time to be rebellious (or the heavy influence of utopian/dystopian fiction of late has led me to be particularly wary of authority and rules…). Yet if it is just a ‘phase’ then at some point authority will still win. I’ll trade in whatever style I think I have for standard office wear. And then if I don’t change, am I opposing for the sake of opposition? Am I dressing to make a statement or am I dressing for, I don’t know, social custom and properness (?).

I had never thought of my clothing as provocative (unless I was purposefully intending it to be) until somebody else says so. Which then makes me wonder just how many people aren’t saying so and if they did say so, how much would I care?

These thoughts scare me. They hint at perhaps a part of me that ‘just doesn’t give’ about social conventions or what other people think; a selfish part, an unsympathetic part. Simultaneously they could be pointing at a much ‘looser’ nature of myself that I have yet to acknowledge or embrace. This same part that the other day while talking to Kelly, I’ve come to identify as flirty and needing other people’s acknowledgement to validate myself, my existence, my achievements. Clothing as an extension of that personality is just a much more easy way to gain that sort of validation. Those looks of people eyeing me, nasty or appreciative, it’s the fact that they’re looking that matters, looking at me.

And isn’t that a little sick?

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