Most people my age wouldn’t say this but I just want this summer to be over. I want to go back to the school routine, and school people where life was, while probably less eventful and maybe even dull, at least not so goddamn dramatic.
In one summer I have: cheated on my boyfriend, broke up with him, fought multiple times with my best friend, and she’s not talking to me. In her words it’s “a waste to spend time with me and it’s insulting too.” Okay paraphrase but the important parts of that were “waste” and “insulting.”
I don’t know how to deal with drama. In fact, in previous years I’ve put a lot of effort into avoiding it.
But now I’m stuck in a weird mess where my best friend is upset with me, and I can’t tell anyone really because the reason that she’s upset involves characters that other people don’t approve of either. Is the fact that these characters are so widely disapproved of indicate that maybe I am in the wrong? Was I wrong or selfish to go off and spend time with them as opposed to listening to my best friend? But see, I don’t think what I did was wrong. I had fun. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do over the summer? In my opinion I’ve done too little of that. So sue me, I had fun.
I don’t regret my decision either. Actually I pretty much regret nothing I’ve done thus far in my life. Regret leads to “what ifs” and “should haves” which are just pointless because you can’t change anything that’s already happened. All you can do is deal with the consequences and take responsibility. Things can be unfortunate or upsetting but not so much regretful.
So I don’t regret my decision and I don’t feel like I should have to apologize for it either, yet my best friend remains angry and all words out of her mouth are sarcastic and bitter. How am I to remedy a situation that I caused but don’t believe I’m receiving just blame?
This is just, sort of like the tipping point I guess. Me and my best friend have been off and on recently. Bickering, getting annoyed and frustrated with each other, and I guess my recent actions just pushed her over the edge.
I have no idea what’s going to happen now.
What’s worse she’s coming with me to a family vacation in Florida. God, have I just seriously fucked this up? Have I taken her for granted, and now am going to suffer the loss of her? I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think; am I wrong? Is she wrong? The thoughts in my head are so jumbled, and have been so recently, pretty much ever since we broke up. They’re just so uncertain.
Am I over you or not? Is hanging out with those characters bad or good? Should I listen to whatever my best friend says or not? How do I balance roommate status with best friend status? How do I balance being her only friend and host here and continuing my life here? Who do I tell and who can advise me if most people believe these characters are bad? Am I wrong if everybody says these characters are bad?
And as usual, despite my confusion and lack of answers, life must go on. Which is why I wish it would go on faster and get me back to normal school life. Or maybe at least to Florida.
And then underneath it all, is the thought that I’m a bad person, a bad friend, a hedonist who cares for nothing and a fear that I’ll end up chasing away all the people who care about me and end up, to quote peter pan (sort of) “old, alone and ugly.” At times, especially recently, I have firmly believed this, plummeting my self worth down to the earth’s core. And at those times, where I deem myself the most worthless person, I think to myself that because of this ‘fact’ about me, I’m really just getting what I deserve. Perhaps getting it a little earlier than I would have liked, but hey, the sooner the better right?
So here’s to a (hopeless and inevitable) future as an old pigeon feeding crone.