Monthly Archives: June 2012

Dance Academy

I really need to find a way to stop starting these things with “I know it’s been a while,” or maybe just, you know, not make it a while before I post. Yes, good, way to keep up promises and resolutions. Way to go will power.

Anyways, this post is not going to be about any sort of deep emotional epiphany, I think there’s been enough of that two weeks prior to fill my quote for the next two years or so (not that that’s going to stop deep emotional posts away, what can I say? I’m a woman in my youth, over reactive, over dramatic, with too much time left to her own thoughts, emotional posts are going to happen). So this post is going to be a sort of review, a review of this Australian TV show I’ve been obsessing over for the past week or so, (dang has it only been a week? oops, maybe I should slow down).

Here’s the synopsis: Dance Academy, Fifteen-year-old Tara Webster’s dream of dancing comes true when she gets into a top dance academy. She soon realizes dancing is only half the battle.

Sounds totally cliche right? And it is. It’s typical teen drama. Country girl meets big city in an effort to pursue her dream. Along the way she encounters many boys (and dates pretty much all of them, oh wait, except for the one guy friend), and many trials. She begins as the underdog, from the country and ‘poorly trained’ in technique, but because of her natural talent she rises to the top of her class, attracting the envy and disdain of her classmates. It’s totally unrealistic, totally contrived and at times totally bland.

I told myself in the beginning that I was mainly watching this for the dancing, but, honestly, there isn’t a whole lot of dance in it. Then why am I watching this show? This show that I’m completely too old for (I think it’s supposed to be 13+, so tweeny). After watching basically 75% of what’s on netflix, I’ve discovered two and a half main reasons why I like it.

1) The characters are wonderfully flawed.

What I mean is that they’re all relate-able and human. Perhaps I’ve just been watching the wrong TV shows, but this is the first TV show in a while where I feel I can really empathize with the characters. Sure, they’re immature, but they’re supposed to be, they’re only fifteen and sixteen for goodness sake. And a lot of the times I’m sure they say and do things that are sort of, for lack of better word, unnatural in order to keep the plot moving forward, or to make it more dramatic or whatever. Despite all this, the show overall does what I feel is a good job of capturing human moments. Whether it be Sammy’s coping with the loss of his grandfather, the value of family, and the gratitude to his father, or Kat’s inability to control her eating, control her life and make good choices about dancing, or even Tara stupid Webster’s naivete, I feel for them because I see my own experiences in theirs. I even cried when they showed Grandfather Morrie’s funeral.

Okay, maybe it’s just me being a sap. Maybe it’s because it’s about the dance world in a non competition context (ABDC and SYTYCD and Dancing with the Stars or whatever). But I like it. I mean, this is why we watch television right? Yes, it’s for entertainment but weren’t dramas and romance shows created to give viewers some sort of sense of humanity? A feeling that it’s okay to act this way or do that because it’s what normal people do? Okay, yes, people could take that way to far and start doing crazy things, using TV as a justification for their actions. But with books too, I find I often like the books that I can empathize with and while I sound self centered, the books and TV shows that I feel like are sort of written about me.

So it’s all fiction and made up and pretend but who cares? When Saskia and Tara got injured while dancing I felt for them. I remembered when I had dislocated my knee. All the thoughts about not dancing again, about purposefully not dancing again for fear I wasn’t going to be good enough, for fear of injuring myself again, were all there on screen. And now (this is where I am in the series), when Tara gets injured again, but pushes on to keep dancing because it’s that important to her, yes, I get it! A couple of years ago that was me! Yet at the same time, there was also distance. The knowledge that everything was not only make believe but also the knowledge that I would never get that into the dance world, not the professional dance world, that my passion for dance was not as intense as theirs gives me enough buffer.

2) The dancing

I’ve always had an appreciation for ballet. It was never ever going to be the thing that I did and I had never really wanted it to be until now. Or maybe it’s just the complete romantic idea that if ballet was my thing and if I was that passionate about it, I could avoid the ‘real’ world and just dance and train all day (as if that’s easier. psh.) But, oh my, ballet is beautiful. And difficult. This show has taken my respect for ballet to a whole new level. So props to all the ballet dancers out there.

Besides just ballet though, I think it’s the general movement aspect of the show. It touches on some contemporary and dabbles in a little hip hop. All of these styles put together, when I’m watching it, as cheesy as it sounds, I sort of get inspired. What’s on screen is so different from the hip hop and contemporary that I’m used to seeing it’s refreshing and it pushes me to experiment with my own movement.

Also, dancing boys. ‘Nuff said.

2.25) everybody on the show is freaking fit and it’s motivation for me to lose weight.

2.5) Jordan Rodriguez.

That’s all 🙂

17 days until the alien arrives. 64 days until I get to see you.

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42

A lot of people joke and say that the meaning of life is 42. Thanks to Douglas Adams’ book “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” people who don’t want to think and want to have a quick and semi-witty answer to the question of the meaning of life now have an answer.

But I’ve had far too much time to think. Thinking is all I do nowadays and I’m beginning to think it’s unhealthy. So far, I have reached no conclusions. Rather, at the moment I’ve reached one conclusion and it is far from satisfactory.

Life is meaningless.

No doubt it’s just the state of mind that I’m in right now but it’s also the circumstances I find myself in. I’m alone over the summer, taking classes without a textbook and in an unstable relationship. In a word, I’m lonely.

My mother told me that I have to learn how to “be alone with yourself.” And I understand the value of this ‘skill’ but something like this can drive a person  mad. I suspect it’s driven her mad. (Sorry mom, I love you!)

Too much time alone, leaves one with too much time to think, to mull over details, insignificant details. Ideally so long as you keep busy, you’ll be fine but, in the state I’m in I don’t want to keep busy. There’s just so much else occupying my mind. Nonetheless, I’m working on it. But being alone with yourself is different from being lonely. Alone time is good, but not to the extent that you’re lonely and perhaps maybe even depressed.

Looking back, I think I understand you more, mom. This is not easy.

I’ve been thinking (obviously) about the meaning of life (duh.) and find that at the moment I don’t know or don’t have something to live for. Greg Graffin, naturalist, would say that the value in life comes from interpersonal relationships. Well, living alone over the summer taking classes while your closest friends are either overseas and uncontactable or  busy with their schmancy internships and having you (for lack of better word) upset with me does not really predispose me for healthy interpersonal relationships. I’m missing companionship, someone to eat with me, smoke with me, and talk to me. Perhaps this is what drove me to do what I did, (a dumb). I don’t know and I don’t dwell on it (because like I said, it doesn’t matter, it happened…) but my sister coming down to visit me made me realize how much I missed conversation.

She had come down to comfort me and make sure I was okay with the whole you thing. And while I of course appreciated that, what I really enjoyed was her company, somebody to talk to about my thoughts. Which is why, the highlight of my day was my 30 minute conversation with you. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that I really appreciated you calling me.

On the complete opposite spectrum, Christian apologetics (and here I refer to C.S. Lewis because he’s the only one I’m really familiar with) would say that meaning in life comes from one’s relationship with God. Yea, but I’m not Christian. This is one of many times that I wish I was though. Not necessarily Christian, but Buddhist to be clear.

I guess I just need something outside of this material world, outside of things so close and tangible and abrupt. I need release from this physical realm. Or maybe escape is the better word, to feel like I’m not being left behind or forgotten (Lilo and Stitch anyone?).

Everyday is, for lack of better word, a blur. A very slow moving blur. Time passes slowly and unproductively. I don’t even know what I do everyday. Sit and mull? Check my phone too often, waiting for a text or call (mainly from you)? Especially here in DC over the summer, everybody’s got something to do. A job, an internship, more than one class that they’ve actually got the textbook for so can actually do the work for.

Compared to everything else that everybody else has going on, my life is just so stagnant. I even asked myself in the shower today, what the point of showering was. If nobody’s going to really interact with me, why bother? And when hygiene’s gone down the drain, you know something’s wrong.

The solution? I don’t know, I’ll let you know if I find one. At the moment, I’m in between what my friends and I call ‘zombie mode’ which is being super apathetic about everything and not facing the problem at all and being consumed with sadness and guilt. It’s mainly the latter. I spend all my time thinking and mulling that I just don’t care about anything else.

It’s just this goddamn guilt and self loathing that I have to get over. And I suppose the anticipation of your decision. The high possibility that things will be over for us looms above me every second of the day and I can’t focus on anything.

This to shall pass. Life goes on. Time moves forward with or without your mental state. I know that, I’m probably over reacting and that when I look back on this time I’ll think and remember how silly I was. How foolish, how deeply I was reading into insubstantial things.

For example, I ordered Chinese today and got a fortune cookie. The fortune read “You and your wife will have a happy life together (in bed?)” And because I thought of you before I opened the cookie and while I was eating it, and because I can be weirdly superstitious, especially in times like these I wondered if the ‘you’ was referring to you. And if so, I have no doubt that you and your wife would be very happy together. But it brought forward the not far question of who your wife would be. Then I thought, if it’s talking about me, what does that mean? On one hand, I’d be happy. On the other, it wouldn’t be with you. I was just…argh. Basically I was over thinking things. It’s a fortune cookie for goodness sake!

I wasn’t going to start a countdown until I got at least until my maximum number of countdown days was 15, but I’m going to start it anyway. Having numbers, I think, might help to just substantialize my days and maybe even something to look forward to.

THUS! Approximately 20 days until my sister comes to DC. 31 days until the alien arrives. And 77 days until I get to see you again.

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I did a dumb.

So I guess I pretty much gave up on the seven days of blogging. But now, I know there’s an outlet here, and I’ve certainly updated it more than I did before (maybe cause it’s summer…). Regardless, I’m back, and hopefully I’m here to stay.

Just a warning to my readers, this is definitely going to be a rant-y post. It’ll have very little organization and serves the primary purpose of letting me get my thoughts out.

On that note, let’s get to the dumb thing.

I cheated on you. I explicitly did what you told me not to knowing full well you didn’t want me to do it and the consequences of my actions. And I still did it. I was stupid. I did a dumb. And if I could take it back, make it go away so that you wouldn’t hurt, I would do so with every fiber of my being. Because hurting you, I think, is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.

And I don’t know what to do, how to deal, what to say, what I should say, what I shouldn’t say. So many questions and so many uncertainties, I feel immobile. I’ve been nailed to the ground with dozens of opportunities. The thing is, I can’t move until I try one of them.

How do I even begin to choose? I want to apologize, I want to  beg for forgiveness, I want to throw myself at your feet pleading, but how can I? How can I dare to do any of that when it was me, my own power, my own choices that put me there to begin with? I want to comfort you, I want you to stop hurting, I want you to be happy. Yet as the source of your pain, I can do nothing. Do I even have the right anymore? Someone like me, who does something as dumb and stupid as this, doesn’t deserve someone like you.

I’m ashamed. Ashamed at what a horrible thing I’ve done. Ashamed that afterward I even  had the gall to say I didn’t want you to break up with me. Ashamed at accepting your kindness, when I really deserve none. I’m angry. Angry at myself for letting this happen, for being so stupid, for hurting you, mainly for hurting you. If I could manifest that awful part of me into a real person, you bet she’d be 100 types of dead right now.

These were all my thoughts after it happened. They haunted me through the night, on to the next morning, and for the rest of the day. I don’t think I’ve ever sobbed so loudly before in my life. But the fact of the matter is, it happened. I can’t change the past. I can only deal with now and later. And I need to do something about it.

Talking to my friends, helped, but only in the now. “It’ll pass” they said. “Time heals all wounds” “Life sucks sometimes, we just gotta deal with it.” But I fear the guilt has swallowed me whole and I will never forget.

We have a strange illusion that mere time cancels sin. But mere time does nothing either to the fact or to the guilt of a sin. –CS Lewis

It’s not to be forgotten. I have to deal with it, learn from it somehow, perhaps even embrace it as a part of me, a part I strongly dislike, but a part of me nonetheless. This is what my sister taught me. She was the best help of all. But even more than that, you are the best help of all. You texted her to check on me, making sure I was okay.  You listen to me, you know me probably better than I know myself. And that makes you good for me. According to my sister, I should hold on to and choose good things.

Argh. That’s not the point I was trying to make in that paragraph. My sister and her advice was supposed to be the point. Point she made: You’re only human. So you did a bad thing, that doesn’t make you an evil or bad person. It just means there’s a side of you who does bad things. You have to work on knowing that side, knowing it, accepting it and finally subduing it. Make sure that the you who is you is the one in charge. And in terms of this relationship, if it does not end, make sure it is different. You have to change, and you have to show that change for him. It’s going to get nowhere if you just continue the relationship. Of course not, something happened, you can’t continue as if it didn’t. It’ll be a new relationship. Something has to change, and it has to come from both of your mindsets.

Some often repent, yet never reform; they resemble a man traveling in a dangerous path, who frequently starts and stops, but never turns back.–Bonnell Thornton

Thus I must learn. Progress. Advance. Change. Into what though? What have I learned from this experience? (As I am an ‘experience learner,’ gotta experience shit to know shit). I’ve learned that I value your happiness and well being near above all and that I’m willing to sacrifice a lot of things if it is the end result. I’ve learned that I don’t like meaningless sex and I don’t like sex with ‘The Jerk’ and I really don’t think I will want to do it ever again. And I’ve learned that shit in life happens. People screw up, we’re only human. We make mistakes. The only thing we can do is to live with them, learn from them and get over beating ourselves up over them.

I’m trying my  best to move past my mistake and stop dwelling on it. Getting out of a cycle of beating myself up over it, crying over how much it hurt you, and crying over the thought of losing you. I need to get out of this cycle of self pity, of self loathing. It’s not going to get me anywhere. I have to grow up a bit, and face the consequences of my actions.

Consequences: I’ve betrayed you and you no longer trust me. According to your threat, you are to break up with me. I’m having issues forgiving myself and moving on and accepting that I’m not a horrible adulterous bitch.

I would give most anything, for things to go back to the way they were. Usually I hate it when people say things like that, because you can’t change the past. But all I want to do is go back to the place where I’m holding hands with you, and hanging on to your arm and in your arms, safe. I want my chest to clench when you tell me you love me and that you miss me. I think about how now, how weird it may be holding hands with you or doing all the things that we did because inside I hurt.

“I’ll understand if you don’t want me. But I will be heartbroken. You are all I ever dreamed of and hoped for. You are much, much more. Please know that I didn’t think I was mean-minded. But I realize I am. I don’t want you to put your arms around me and say it’s all right, that you forgive me. I want you to be sure that you do, and my love for you will last as long as I live. I can see no lightness, no humour, no joke to make. I just hope that we will be able to go back to when we had laughter, and the world was coloured, not black and white and grey. I am so sorry for hurting you. I could inflict all kinds of pain on myself, but it would not take back any I gave to you. – David Power” 
― Maeve Binchy, Echoes

It hurts me how much I hurt you. And it hurts me the kindness and consideration you show me. Mainly because, I guess, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t feel like its appropriate. I can’t just do something awful like this and walk away unscathed. It’s not right and I’m not okay with that.

Yet at the same time, I don’t want you to break up with me. The thought of losing you frightens me. How much I love you and care for you and your importance to me, scares me. I told you yesterday that I wanted you in my life. And I’ll say it again, I want you in my life indefinitely. As selfish as it sounds, I do.

So how am I to reconcile these emotions? On one hand, I can’t just walk away unharmed and free. On the other, hand I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t know if I can deal with this guilt just getting by inside me. This amoral-ness and unfairness of it all just eats away at me. I feel like I’ve committed some horrible crime and should be locked away and whipped or punished somehow. That is how bad I feel, it’s how I perceive what I’ve done to you.

“What was the point of being able to forgive, when deep down, you both had to admit you’d never forget?” 
― Jodi PicoultThe Tenth Circle

One of my friends said that it was because I am so moral, or have a strong sense of morality, of justice that the guilt gets to me so deeply. As much as I appreciate her saying that, I can’t help but think that if I was so moral, why did I do it in the first place? Why, oh why did it take one last time with ‘The Jerk’ to realize just how much I was dedicated to you, that I was yours? Why didn’t I realize how intense the emotion behind those three words were before?

But after all this, all of this emotional turmoil going on in my head, I can’t do anything. I left the choice in your hands, as I should. My friend who told me I was moral also told me to fight for you back. The issue with that is I don’t think I’m entitled to, but I will. In my own way, I’m prepared to show you how much you mean to me, how worth it you are, and how much I want you to be in my life as my  significant other.

It’s been a lot about me here, and perhaps because I don’t know what to say I’m trying to say it all. I don’t know if I’m helping or hindering but I want you to know I’m being honest with you. I want to communicate with you better, and if given the chance be a better girlfriend, and a better person, someone who’s worthy of your kindness and love. I know you’re feeling betrayed and worried whether these things can just happen again, so I will do everything I can to begin rebuilding that trust and dissuade your worries.

I just ask for one thing from you. Don’t be easy on me. Punish me as you see fit, do with me as you see fit. Don’t let me walk away unharmed. Even if you decide to take me back, I need some sort of lesson, some sort of discipline.

“Love like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots keeping itself alive.” 
― Paulo CoelhoBy the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

I’m at your mercy, my love, hoping and praying that we have at least some roots left.

 

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I’m only human…

“We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.”
― Alison Croggon

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But without true change, no real relationship can be established

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat……Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established………Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness……” 
― W. Paul YoungThe Shack

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Seven Days of Blogging: Day Five/Six

Oops.

So much for blogging everyday for seven days straight. In my very pitiful defense I had a rough day of travel yesterday. Going from Detroit to DC, I had a stopover in Atlanta where I only had a 35 minute layover. BUT! Luckily or unluckily because of the tornado warnings in the DC area, my flight was delayed indefinitely. So my hauling ass to concourse T from concourse B was totally unnecessary. Ended up flying out of Atlanta at 6pm or so, arrived at 8:30 and got into the apartment at around 9pm. Unpacked and cooked a small dinner and by then was just ready to collapse. So I did.

But let’s move on to the real blog now shall we?

Money and Plans

I had my first official day on my own today. And now have become fairly aware of my budget. Essentially I’m living on…I think maybe $200 a week for food and everything? And given how expensive things are in DC, this is a very very basic budget.

There was so much to think about when I was just grocery shopping. Plus the whole being back in DC and having people I know here who I can hang out with and stuff means going out and spending more money. The above meme is basically my life now. Why, oh why must I enjoy living in cities so much? Why, oh why are cities so expensive?

Perhaps this is where my slight anti-socialness comes from. Or dislike of people. People are expensive. Friends are expensive. Especially in a city where all you do is go out to eat or bar or club or movie watch or something.

I could technically spend all day indoors and only leave to buy groceries and go to class. It’s not like I don’t have things to do. On the contrary, there’s so much to do. Review Chinese and Japanese. Read the five or so books I brought with me. Watch movies and TV shows. Write, as in finally start my story and keep this blog updated. Study and do work for my class. Download music. Work out. Tan. Dance. And the list goes on.

But I guess I’m still a social animal. Too long by myself doesn’t sit well with me. Then it leaves me to my thoughts, and I end up thinking too much and over complicating issues or, rather, fabricating issues where there are none.

This is especially bad because I’m in a long distance relationship. I asked my sister today how she dealt with things when she was in her long distance relationship. Her case in particular is unique because she and her boyfriend essentially started with long distance and are now in the same city. She told me, “keep busy and plan well.”

It makes a lot of sense. Keep busy so that all my time isn’t devoted to thinking about the future or other complicated and can’t be solved now problems, and plan well so that I can keep in contact with the people I care about who are not with me. Makes sense, but is easier said than done. Or maybe that’s just the past couple weeks. Being alone in the suburbs was no good for me. There was nobody really to talk to and not much to do. Left alone with my thoughts I started worrying about pointless things.

Ideally this has all changed now that I’m back in DC. Classes start on Monday, and I’ve got a budget to account for, I’ve got to feed myself and manage my time and keep the apartment clean and all that jazz. I got this. Things can only get better from here.

Yet despite all this, I still find myself counting down the days when someone will come and visit me, stay with me and keep me company. For example it’s 25 days until my sister comes down for two days. Then it’s 36 days until the alien comes. And then before the 25 days who knows if Mr. Korean Roommate will come down and pay me a visit. Plus during those 25 days, there should be plenty of people in DC that I can hang out with. I’m going to a gun range tomorrow with a friend for god’s sake! Why am I so worried.

It’s gonna get better. It will.

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